Hoopskirts: an alternative to masks (Satire)

Elisa Guo, Print Editor-In-Chief

The sun beamed down brightly on the nation’s capital today as liberal and conservative lawmakers reached a Congressional unicorn—a rare and miraculous compromise between the Democratic and Republican parties. The struggle between limiting government action and instating COVID-19 mandates has plagued the country for almost two years. Yet a new solution unveiled by Senator Joe “Am I a Republican or a Democrat?” Manchin and Senator Krysten “Who do I work for, really?” Sinema adequately addresses both parties’ concerns: “We plan to save America from itself, one hoop skirt at a time.”


Hoop skirts with a six-foot radius physically enforce a social distancing mandate while literally retaining the cultural traditionalism embraced by many conservatives. In fact, hoop skirts were popular in the 1850s, right when conservative politicians were gaining traction. We will emulate the historical fashion in which ladies elegantly swished their skirts, but in a public school setting. The thunking sound of Hydro Flasks hitting the ground followed by the ritualistic “and I oop sksksk” will be instead replaced by the thunking of smaller, clumsier and more irritating freshmen as they hit the ground when the other students “accidentally” knock them over like dominoes. 


Additionally, the structural integrity of the skirts free people’s arms for infection stoppage. Often made with sturdy material such as steel, the skirts could include large pockets that take the place of backpacks and purses. They can hold heavy objects like textbooks and soccer mom snacks for the whole team. With no limbs weighed down by these cumbersome accessories, it is more convenient for people to cover their coughs and sneeze into their elbows, helping to prevent the spread of COVID-19.  


Hoop skirts are not only the solution to the COVID-19 pandemic, but also a beginning of saving bipartisanship—which currently looks more like a sinking ship. The mandate will go into effect on Jan. 6 of the coming year, which Manchin and Sinema decided on because they hoped to shed a more positive light on that date. A formal ball will commence at the US Capitol to celebrate. Former foes Representative Nancy Pelosi and Senator Mitch McConnel will open the event with a dance to the tune of “The World was Wide Enough” from the “Hamilton” soundtrack. They will both don purple hoop skirts, symbolizing the start of a new era.