Class of 2022 (Satire)

Elisa Guo, Print Editor-in-Chief

My fellow students, parents, teachers, faculty, and reluctant siblings: good evening, and welcome to the Class of 2022’s graduation ceremony. 


First, I am honored that the administration selected me–just another mousy senior–to bestow all of you with the wisdom we have accumulated throughout our high school journey. 


If I could choose one word to describe our class, it would be “growth.” Over the past four years, we have demonstrated tremendous growth—from freshman year, when a quarter of our class allegedly had at least one “I” (incomplete), to now, when a quarter of our class shows up to our first-hour class barely on time. 


Our capacity for growth has only been strengthened by the resilience we have developed. We’re surviving a global health disaster, environmental disaster, political disaster, economic disaster…the only disaster left to survive is our unfortunate inclination to procrastinate until the last possible second.   


Overcoming these obstacles has taught us a lot of important lessons that are applicable to the rest of our lives. Popping your pimples will result in long-lasting acne scars. You will suffer from headaches and bouts of dizziness if you wake up too late to eat breakfast and only consume cafeteria cookies for lunch. When you tell yourself it’s just one more episode of Bridgerton, it’s never really one more episode. If your mom says that it’s cold outside, it’s definitely cold outside.   


While we grow, we change. But there are some things I believe we should always keep with us. Our youthful curiosity has led to adventure and discovery, like when we were five, and we asked questions such as, “Why can worms move even though they don’t have legs?” I hope we retain this passion and motivation for learning as we leave high school. 


We have much gratitude for the people in our lives who have helped us become the people we are. To our parents, for enduring and paying for angsty young adults living under your roof, and advising us on teenage problems that may seem trivial to you. To our friends, for learning and growing from our mistakes alongside each other (and sometimes encouraging poor decisions). To our teachers, for having the patience to repeat the same instructions and lesson concepts over and over again. 


And finally, to all of you, for pretending to listen to this speech attentively. If you are zoned out, you can start clapping now.