Vice President Joe Biden (Satire)

Elisa Guo, Spread Editor

What do Kraft Mac & Cheese, live-action Mulan, and Joe Biden have in common? They are all of extraordinary quality and extremely invigorating. Since every celebrity, app, website and desperate Canadian forgot to urge Americans to vote and tell them why they should vote for Joe Biden, here are the reasons why. 

Biden is a seasoned politician with centuries of experience. He began his national political experience as a senator. He has been involved in the political world for so long that he was alive to lead the coordinated national response against the comet that led to the extinction of dinosaurs. Unfortunately, his plan to launch grenades at the comet ultimately failed, but this failure has prepared him to convince every single American, including flat-earthers and Bill Nye’s haters, to wear a face mask and social distance. 

Unbeknownst to many teenagers, Biden actually ran for president once before, in 1988. If anyone should know how to run a presidential campaign, it should be Biden because of his experience. He was inspired by many of the political giants of the time: John F. Kennedy, Robert F. Kennedy and Hubert Humphrey. In fact, he admired them so much he plagiarized their speeches. Some of Biden’s speeches are so moving and inspirational that audience members enthusiastically compare them to listening to their grandfather talk about the “good old days.” Polls actually indicate that the only way for Biden to win the election is if he performs the Renegade dance on TikTok and promises to win the “battle for the soul of this nation.” 

As Vice President, Biden had many accomplishments. Biden oversaw the Iraq policy with Barack Obama, helped counteract the 2008 recession with Obama, instated the Affordable Care Act with Obama, dealt with the United States’s debt ceiling crisis in 2011 with Obama, cut taxes for low and middle classes while raising taxes on the wealthy with Obama, supported same-sex marriage with Obama and addressed rape and sexual assault with Obama. It also appears that Biden is considering writing Obama in on his ballot this November.

On top of his political expertise, Biden is a true representation of the American people. He started out at the bottom—more specifically, the bottom of his law school class—and fought his way to the top of the political scene. Biden also comes from Scranton, Pennsylvania, a place Jason Sudekis’s character Joe Biden defined as “an absolute jerk water of a town…it’s just an awful, awful sad place” on a Saturday Night Live skit in 2013. Scranton contrasts Donald Trump’s filthy rich Park Avenue background. In fact, it seems that Biden used his cafeteria spork, rather than a silver spoon, to dig himself out of Scranton. 

As yet another old, white man, Biden is undoubtedly the president who will finally elevate America to a status of peace and prosperity for all. Petty political scuffles will be a thing of the past—we might even find Nancy Pelosi and Mitch McConnell attending book club together. Voting for Joe Biden is like being the last to the store on Black Friday, and the only item you find is a misfigured coffee mug reading “Proud Cat Grandma.” At least you’ll have your Christmas present for your least favorite cousin.