Anti-Vaccine (satire)


Elisa Guo, Spread Editor

Loss of sense is a symptom of COVID-19, but something smells fishy. It is no secret that people go to great lengths for wealth and power, and unleashing a global pandemic might be the new go-to move. Vaccines are a profitable enterprise; according to Pharmaceutical Processing World, the global market vaccine revenue in 2019 was 54.2 billion dollars—just over half a Mark Zuckerberg. 

Thus, it is suspicious that rich and powerful people like Bill Gates are pushing for people to take the COVID-19 vaccine. According to Darwin’s theory of evolution, the all-natural, organic, and non-GMO natural selection process chooses the strongest to survive and the weak to wither away. Logically, weeding out the weaklings means that a strong force of humans who are naturally resistant to diseases will be created. It is questionable that Gates is openly advocating for feeble public health through pushing for vaccines. 

It has also been theorized that Gates and others are implanting microchips inside these vaccines to track our every movement and thought. As the vaccine begins to destroy the process of natural selection and weaken humanity, the rich will track and collect data on us—no doubt, they will use it for their own profit. 

Furthermore, Dolly Parton, professional wig connoisseur, donated 1 million dollars to the vaccine effort. Under the guise of a charitable action, Parton is likely partnering with Gates to use profits from the COVID-19 vaccine to build a Wisconsin Dells-sized waterpark, except gold coins are used in replacement of water. Why? Who knows, it must be a rich people thing. 

Thankfully, many selfless social activists recognize the issue at hand and are actively working to address it. Chad and Cathy Smith, staunch anti-vaxxers and founders of the non-profit organization Don’t Use Medicine, Bubblehead (DUMB), offer a helping hand to those trying to escape a big pharma scam. They provided some of their favorite vaccine alternatives. 

Cathy favors a microchip-free DIY recipe that can be easily incorporated into skincare routines. “Essential oils are the solution to everything. I apply it all over my body. First, I use a concoction of lavender and rosemary to seduce and numb the senses of bacteria and viruses. Then, they are knocked out with peppermint. Finally, I rub bleach on my skin, which kills any living thing,” says Cathy. 

Chad, author of the popular book, “What Anthony Fauci Doesn’t Want You to Know About COVID-19,” also innovated his own practical method. “Every morning when I wake up, I aggressively whirl a baseball bat in a circle around me while screaming Bible verses to threaten the virus. Before I go to bed, I make hostile gorilla noises. They don’t come near me,” says Chad. 

As further proof to the anti-vax movement, the Smiths firmly made the decision not to vaccinate their kids either, and it turned out just fine for the couple. “Yes, we did have twins,” Cathy said. “One of them did not make it past childhood, unfortunately. We suspect it’s due to the loud Kanye West rap trash our neighbors used to blast at night. However, on the bright side, we only have to pay half as much college tuition! We saved money without supporting ‘philanthropists’ like Gill Bates.”

Chad adds, “That means more Cancún vacations for us. Warm weather and piña coladas are the perfect cocktail for getting rid of sicknesses. Why else have so many people traveled there during the pandemic?” To learn more about the anti-vax effort, the Smiths generously offer Viewer readers a discount on DUMB’s monthly newsletter, which really is just a Google doc with links to obscure Facebook posts. Use discount code KAREN for 20% off the subscription price.