Anti-Big Tech (satire)

Elisa Guo, Spread Editor

Social media is dominated by four ugly, troll-like enemies: Amazon, Apple, Google, and Facebook. Like the mean girls of high school, these four companies set out to rule the world using old playground tricks disguised as sophisticated business strategies, making their presence inescapable. 

For example, Amazon’s Jeff Bezos forces his inferiors to do his work and bring in as much profit as possible for him. When asked how he treats his workers, Bezos responded, “I don’t.” Upon further investigation, it has been revealed that Bezos prohibits employees from going to the bathroom while working.

Becky, which is not the worker’s real name due to privacy concerns, states, “Once I tried sneaking to the bathroom, but I was caught by human-size Roombas monitoring the hallways,” said Becky. “They chased me back, and the Alexa attached to them blasted me for being unproductive.” Becky was then asked why she continues to work for Bezos. “Well, I do not have many choices, do I?” said Becky. “The other option is Facebook, and I do not want them stalking me.” 

Yes, Mark Zuckerberg is stealing user data on Facebook. He begins his morning routine mining through Facebook posts for inspirational quotes that motivate him to work even harder to steal data. Based on the data, Facebook recommends its users ads–not just on Facebook feeds, but also on other websites, apps, and even highway billboards. 

In retaliation for scrutiny over collecting and sharing user’s data, Facebook took revenge and released the viewing history of all its critics to the public. Many people, including the ashamed Emma Nelson (no point in hiding her identity anymore), fled to isolated villages in Alaska due to the sheer embarrassment of being exposed stalking their exes’ Facebook pages. Nelson mourns, “I am absolutely mortified at the fact that Facebook can expose relationships like that! It is absolutely devastating news for unfaithful partners, such as myself.” 

Over at Apple, disgruntled CEO Tim Cook failed to comprehend the popular game Fortnite, and thus took executive decision to ban the game from the App Store. After the decision was made, an employee overheard Cook’s opposition. “They removed Fortnite after I finally got a Victory Royale.” Even with Apple’s control over its own App Store, users just cannot seem to let go of the iPhone. One high schooler phrased it well, “Ew, what is a Samsung? Sounds like a disease.”

Apple is known for its mutualistic friendship with Google. Google pays Apple in heaps of expensive jewelry just so Apple uses Google as its default search engine on the iPhone. Despite others practically begging Apple to be the default browser, the bond between Google and Apple seems to be connected by a rather strong and durable 24-karat chain. 

On the other hand, Google’s relationship with Amazon seems more competitive as both Google Home and Alexa compete for a spot to listen in and extract the best gossip. Both strive for the limelight of reality TV. 

No matter how hard people try, they cannot seem to avoid these businesses. And Big Tech easily outlasts new start-up competitors. In the words of Regina George, Big Tech said, “You are just a less hot version of me!”